I
The Widow’s Mite
$4.99
For venial sins, and for the recently backslidden.
- Up to three (3) venial transgressions
- Digital Certificate of Absolution
- One (1) intercession, spoken aloud
- Ledger entry retained seven (7) years
Est. 1312 · A Ministry of Reconciliation
Be ye therefore forgiven.
The weight of thy sins is measurable. The cost of removing them is, by the mercy of this ministry, modest.
Thousands of souls have already been reconciled. Their receipts are on file.
- 41,208 souls reconciled
- Secure payment · 256-bit
- Non-refundable by doctrine
Step the First
Thy Ledger of Transgressions
No sin is too small to record, and none too large to price. Mark those thou hast committed. Our ministry will do the arithmetic; thou shalt not be burdened with it.
Confess, in confidence
Selections are held in the strictest confidence, and in thy browser only.
Nothing here is transmitted. Nothing here is remembered.
Step the Second
Tiers of Mercy
Absolution is not sold. It is administered, and administration has costs. Select the covenant suited to the state of thy soul.
Most Chosen
II
The Pilgrim’s Path
$19.99
For mortal sins, up to seven, and for those who intend to continue.
- Up to seven (7) mortal transgressions
- Embossed certificate, mailed in a plain envelope
- One (1) candle lit in thy name for thirty (30) days
- Priority intercession during high holy seasons
- One (1) free re-entry after relapse
III
Perpetual Indulgence
$149.99
For the ambitious sinner. Covers sins not yet committed.
- Unlimited transgressions, retroactive and prospective
- Name inscribed in the Ledger of the Redeemed
- Brass plaque, small, in a chapel of our choosing
- Annual statement of standing, suitable for framing
- Installments available at no additional penance
Upgrades are permitted at any time. Downgrades are not. Grace, once received, is non-refundable and non-transferable, save by written dispensation.
The Rite
How Absolution Is Administered
Three steps, plainly set forth, that none may claim confusion at the gate.
-
Confess
Mark thy transgressions in the ledger above. Be honest. The ledger already knows; it is only being polite.
-
Contribute
Select the tier suited to thy soul and submit thy offering. All major cards are accepted, and also checks, which we shall cash.
-
Receive
Thy Certificate of Absolution is issued within three (3) business days, bearing a seal, a signature, and a tracking number.
Intercessions are performed by ordained volunteers. Should an intercession be delayed, know that the delay is itself a trial, and that trials are good for thee.
The Reconciled Speak
Testimonies of the Forgiven
Unedited, save for the removal of surnames, at their request.
“I was a terrible man. I am now a slightly less terrible man with a receipt. The receipt helps.”
“I had carried a certain sin since 2009. The website said it would take three business days. It took four. I am choosing to see that as a lesson in patience.”
“My husband asked why I spent a hundred and fifty dollars on this. I told him: because the alternative is worse, and he did not ask again.”
Testimonies are submitted by the reconciled and lightly edited for clarity. Results may vary by the depth of one’s sincerity and the tier selected.
A Small Devotion
The Candle Wall
One candle, one dollar. Light as many as thy conscience requires. They burn for twenty-four hours, or until the page is refreshed, whichever is holier.
0 candles lit
Offering raised: $0.00
Touch a candle to light it.
A Foretaste of Grace
Thy Certificate, Previewed
Every offering is sealed with a certificate. Enter thy name below to see the form it shall take. The certificate is issued only after the offering clears.
Leave blank and the certificate shall read “A Sinner, Known to Us.”
The Order of the Merciful Ledger
Certificate of Absolution
Be it known to all who shall see these presents, that
A Sinner, Known to Us
having made a full and cheerful accounting of the same, is hereby received into the fellowship of the forgiven, and is absolved of the following transgressions:
— thy ledger, as recorded —
A. Misericordia
Registrar of Absolutions
—
Date of Record
Issued under the authority of no one in particular. Serial FG-0000.
“Though thy sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow — and the laundering thereof is offered at a reasonable rate.”
“Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors — or, where forgiveness is unavailable, a payment plan may be arranged.”
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; contribute, and thy name shall be entered in the book.”
Doubts, Answered
Questions of the Skeptical
Doubt is a sin of the mind. These answers are offered in charity.
Is this a real church?
Forgiveness is a registered ministry in the State of Delaware and a state of mind. We are not affiliated with any denomination, which is precisely what makes us broadly applicable.
Does this actually work?
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Thy receipt is the evidence of things paid for. Between the two, we find the matter sufficiently settled.
Can I be forgiven of something I have not yet done?
Yes. Pre-payment is available and, we are told, prudent. The Perpetual Indulgence tier covers sins both retrospective and prospective, including several thou hast not yet thought of.
What if I sin again after being absolved?
Then thou shalt return, as all men do. The Pilgrim’s Path includes one free re-entry. Subsequent returns are priced at the prevailing rate.
Are refunds available?
Refunds are not offered. Forgiveness is final. Should thou feel unresolved, we recommend the next tier up, which includes a follow-up intercession.
What becomes of my data?
Thy sins are stored on a secure server in Ohio and retained for seven years, as required by state law and by habit. We do not sell thy transgressions. We merely index them.
Is this a cult?
We prefer “congregation.” A cult asks for everything; we ask only for what thou canst afford, and then a little more.
Do you accept cash?
Cash is accepted at the door, in an unmarked envelope, addressed to the Registrar. Please do not include a return address. It complicates the ledger.
The Hour Is Late
Thou hast read this far.
That is already a form of faith.
The ledger does not shrink on its own. Somewhere, a candle waits to be lit in thy name.
Begin Thy AbsolutionNo offering is too small. No sin is too interesting.